Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hey, remember that time...

When Pat Robertson told the whole world that the tragically devastating earthquake that destroyed Haiti was due to the fact that Haiti had struck a bargain with Satan?

Yeah. Me too.

It's been brought to my attention (yo! Thanks Jarv!) that a woman in Minneapolis named Lilly Coyle wrote a letter as the Horned-One to our friend Pat. Yeah ... for reals.

It says:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.
Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.
You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Best, Satan
And so to YOU, Lilly Coyle, this Polar Bear bestows my highest honor:

[I actually don't know what my highest honor is yet ... but when I do, it's yours ... readers, suggestions wanted]

To Lilly Coyle, The First Polar Bear Hero of 2010!
this blog post is brought to you by:

Lilly Coyle
Christopher Jarvis

PS - if you'd like to see it on the NPR website, go here.