An Open Letter to my Uterus

Dear Uterus,

You and I, we've been together a long time. Forever, really. Sure, I didn't know you existed for the first 11 years, but what can I say? You grew on me. We've been through some crazy things together, though, that's for sure. Remember the first full physical we ever had? With the Japanese Doctor who said I'd be really good at birthing babies? And it was all because of you, dear Uterus (and my good "birthing hips," of course)! Boy, do you sure know how to make a 16 year old feel proud!

We've also had our share of uncomfortable moments. Once a month, in fact. Some certainly more uncomfortable than others - but you know what? You're almost always on time. And for that - I'm forever grateful. I've never had to go on birth control to regulate you, or calm you do down - and that is a boon I can never repay. You've been saving my body from potentially cancer-causing substances for 16 years. Uterus, you're the best!

All of this makes what I want to say all the more difficult. I absolutely realize that when it comes to my womanly anatomy, I have it pretty damn good. And I know that.

But here's the thing. I ain't gonna birth no babies, Uterus. You and I - we're never gonna walk down that 9-10 month road. Planned or accidental - your job is never going to come to fruition. So why do we still have to go through the "fake labor pains" once a month? Why must you cause my back muscles to stiffen up, as though I'm actually pregnant? Why must you contort my body into a fetus position at the most inappropriate times?

Look, blood I can deal with. Do I love it? No. But I can handle it. It's 4 days of an inconvenience - and I'm okay with that. But the pain - the pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE PAIN! Shoveling down four, 200 mg caplets of Advil a day just isn't my idea of a good time. And if we're not careful, Stomach may start complaining.

I'll be honest - I've looked in to trading you. Don't look at me like that!! What other choice have you given me? Because you're such a (relatively) wonderful uterus, I was hoping to trade you back to whatever divine creator there may be for something wickedly awesome - like teleportation, or the ability to fly. You are so totally worth a super power! And there are so many women in the world who didn't get the upscale Uterus that you are, and actually want to have children - it doesn't seem fair that I probably can, but don't want to; and they want to, but can't! Plus, you'd get used properly - like you should - instead of being stuck with a bum host who has no intention of reproducing. Do you see my reasoning?

But apparently, a trade is simply not possible. Seems like we're a good 50 years away from that biological breakthrough. So it looks like we're stuck together. And I'm okay with that - because again - you are a damn fine uterus. But can we please try to compromise? Maybe back off on the pain a little, and I won't pursue any kind of removal. Deal?

I really do know how good I have it. But your help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Warmest Regards,
PB