Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Old wounds

I don't let go of things easily. This has always been a problem for me, and I've spent the better part of my life trying to make the opposite true, but sadly to not much avail. I'm really good at moving forward, and coasting along for awhile, forgetful of the event, the person, the words - until I'll catch a bad wave, and tumble into the dark cold sea of remembrance, and the memories flood in, unwanted. 

That's a terrible water metaphor, but it's apt. I ran across someone's facebook page tonight, and past hurts popped up all over again. I think the two things that anchor me to this pattern are when I have a lack of closure, and/or miss the loss of the person and the relationship. And all I want to do is ask why. Why me? Why did you say/do what you did/said? What did I do?

Perhaps it all comes back to shame - the shame of failing, or feeling as though I've failed as a human being in some way, though without knowing how or why. 

But then, I think, would I change anything? No, because it's not my thing to change. Am I happy with my life? Yes, I am. I'm happy with where I'm going, what I've accomplished, and the people I've surrounded myself with. Sometimes I catch myself feeling as though I'm lacking something - I didn't "make it" with a company in a way that I originally intended, or in the same way as my peers have, or I didn't make the impression I wanted to make. But that is just a bruised ego, and bruised egos don't have the best perspective on, well ... anything. 

And I suspect that the answer to my problem lies in caring less. This is a fundamental flaw, because that's just not part of my genetic make-up. So maybe I should stick to fixing the shame thing.

Easy, right?