Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Advice for girls...with pictures!

The Angel game was great. Ervin Santana threw a shut-out game in 97 pitches. He lasted all 9 innings, and, in my estimation, is working his way out of a rocky start to the season on the DL. Eric Aybar had an amazing diving catch, snuffing the Rays' last attempt at a rally during the top of the 9th, Vladdy extended his hitting streak to 13 games, and the Angels played an almost flawless game. Dare I start hitching my wagon to a post-season star? Oh, I dare ... I dare!

As I mentioned in my last post, it was Mike Napoli bobble head night. Ironically, and perhaps somewhat tragically, the Nap didn't play tonight. Since Ervin Santana pitched, Jeff Mathis was behind the plate. Next time, Nap. Next time. My favorite part of the bobble head is the chin scruff. Isn't bobble head art really improving by leaps and bounds? (Yeah ... I totally took pictures of my bobble head.)

As my blog title reads, I'm offering advice to girls, yet so far, I've only mentioned some mumbo-jumbo baseball lingo, and some players that many of you (I assume) do not know. Well, my offer of advice is related exactly to this. And by this, I mean sports.

Now, please understand, I'm not offering this to most of you reading this. It's kind of a general call to heterosexual women everywhere. This comes from many, many, many nights at sporting events, many, many, many annoying interactions, and many, many, many pitiful partners, sitting miserably, unable to enjoy something that they've spent their lives enjoying.

I am not trying to be sexist, I swear. I know MANY women who love sports. Heterosexual women. But for some reason, I continually see women at sporting events who clearly don't want to be there, or who want to be there for the worst reasons. Like picking up men. And I'm starting to get really sick of it! They pull out their cell phones from their designer purses, wear high heels, and text their way through a great game. And inevitably I have to sit near these women. I have to listen to the ridiculous comments, to the squeeling, to the pathetic attempts to distract the unsuspecting male, luring him away from the game to pay attention to the bored, plotting female. Enough is enough!

So ladies, when faced with the prospect of venturing out to a sporting event, ask yourself these questions:

1) Am I going to get him alone?
2) Do I really care about the sport/game?
3) Do I have the knowledge to speak intelligently about the sport, thereby enhancing my prospective mate's interest?

If you answered "no" to any of these questions, then please stay home!! I am BEGGING you. Because let's face it, you're not going to be able to talk about anything intimate with thousands of screaming fans, you don't really care about the action of the game or the outcome, and you don't know the difference between an offside rule or a foul ball.

But, there may be some of you who, while not knowing anything about sports, may want to learn. I encourage this, because if you plan on spending the rest of your life with a sports lover (and for most men, this applies, though I'm not limiting this to heterosexual couples), it may behoove you to learn. What better way is there to spend time with your partner, taking an interest in something they enjoy? And who knows? You may end up enjoying it too. Though, do make sure your partner does the same for things you like, but I digress.

The best way to achieve this aim, in a safe, non-threatening, painless way? Talk to another woman about sports.

I've noted that many men get frustrated when having to explain game rules, scoring, or the finer points of the game; not because they're trying to be mean, but they are often watching sports while trying to explain them, and this tends to lead to a conflict between watching the game, and having to think about it. Women, on the other hand, can multi-task - we can watch and teach at the same time. For example, if it weren't for my dear friend Stephieloohoo and her awesome hockey knowledge (and patience) ... I wouldn't be as big of a hockey fan as I am today! And most of you know how much I love my Ducks!

I am also not saying that you need to learn the minute details of sporting events, statistics, or insider training. But please don't use your ignorance of the batting average as an inept leverage tool for getting a date. Please don't squeel with delight at a foul ball, just because the batter made contact. And please, please, PLEASE don't feed nachos to your boyfriend, and leave to fetch him beer, and curl his hair with your fingers while he watches the game.

I'm not using this blog to make fun of the female sex. I'm using it to beg you to show some respect to our gender.

Don't be this girl...

Be this girl...

or this girl...

or this girl...

This blog was brought to you by:

Ben & Jerry's brownie batter ice cream
The Golden Girls
Mike Napoli bobble head
Female sports fans


Phoenix said...

nice. Have to confess I like baseball better live than on tv...and I am now dating a fellow baseball fan. (Go Phillies, apparently.) I'd like to drag his butt to a hockey game, but if I end up at a baseball game I'll try not to be too annoying.

And you know, like, text! Or whine.

Radical Bradacal said...

This blog wasn't just about baseball (nor was it for you!)... I happened to go to a baseball game last night, and sat in front of two incredibly annoying girls who literally said, "Oooh, that guy has a .425 thingy, we have to be careful, he's probably good." And while she's technically correct, she was wearing wedge heels, a tube top, and a mini-skirt, and wasn't really there for the baseball, if you know what I mean. I expect better out of women at sporting events!

Jen said...

soooo true. I have spent a lot of time educating people about baseball while watching baseball. Go girl skills!

H said...

I make fun of my own lack of sports knowledge (especially stats, etc.), but I do pay attention to the games and agree that if you're going to attend a game (or any type of event), it's important to be fully engaged.

Oh...and I've seen men guilty of the same thing (e.g. talking so loud on a cell phone that everyone can hear their conversations and realize how "important" they are ;-) ).

As for the whole "women in heat" routine...that's *always* nauseating.