Monday, August 31, 2009

Sometimes ...

I've done a really good job of playing by the rules for most of my life. I was always taught that in playing with and through the system, progress would be made; my desires would become a reality. Conversely, I was also taught/shown that if I disobeyed rules, there would be consequences - very severe consequences. Good planning and foresight would get me ahead, impulsion and hasty behavior would get me into trouble.

So I've been living my life dutifully; I prepare my taxes, I (usually) obey traffic laws, I worked hard for good grades, so that I would get into a good university, so that I would have an edge on the job market. Okay, forget for a minute that I'm a theatre artist; I still earned a Bachelor's of Art degree from an upstanding liberal arts college. I have excelled in my work - both career and "day job" alike. I pay my credit card bills, I pay my parking tickets, I pick up litter, I recycle, I stop for pedestrians ... I help old ladies at the super market when they think that I work there, even though I don't.

And yet. As I look at my life in the immediate now - so much of this preparation I've dedicated my life to seems a bit null and void. It's not just this economy, though it certainly doesn't help. I've been increasingly aware that life ... is life. The rules that I've been adhering to matter, but only inasmuch as laws are created to protect me and those around me. I know how to make good, legal choices. But I've been spending so much of the past 5 years waiting for something - an opportunity, a job, a life. And if the past 6 months have taught me anything, it's that life is not to be waited on - it's to be lived.

Sometimes, life requires faith. Yes, I absolutely mean requires. It doesn't need to be a God, or a power, or a universe, though it can be all of that and more. But most importantly, it requires faith in one's self. And if all of this planning and hard work and rule-following has taught me anything - it's that I have no reason not to have faith in myself. I have no reason to think that I won't survive anywhere I go. What I need now, is to go do it.

So that's what I'm going to do. What does that mean? Well ... it means that after I hear from a few different options, I'm going leave Southern California.


Genevieve said...

You SHOULD have faith in yourself because you are awesome! I have no doubts you will be successful in whatever you put your mind to - and wherever you go. Just stay true to who you are at the core, the rest will follow.

Kristin Quinn said...

"I help old ladies at the super market when they think that I work there, even though I don't." :) :)

Change is exciting and refreshing, even if its a bit scary at first. I look forward to hearing where you will end up next! Good luck.

Phoenix said...

As your best friend, I'm sad to hear this and of course I will miss you. But we are always connected, and there isn't really a place you can go where we won't be able to know that I am loved so much by you and you are so very loved by me.

Hope to see you Friday.

Radical Bradacal said...

Thanks, ladies ... you will definitely be kept up-to-date. Have no fear!

Phoenix - I know. I will miss you like crazy. but there is nothing on this planet that can keep me from loving you. Besides ... this is what visiting is for. When's the last time you came to Canada?! :D