Sometimes ...

I've done a really good job of playing by the rules for most of my life. I was always taught that in playing with and through the system, progress would be made; my desires would become a reality. Conversely, I was also taught/shown that if I disobeyed rules, there would be consequences - very severe consequences. Good planning and foresight would get me ahead, impulsion and hasty behavior would get me into trouble.

So I've been living my life dutifully; I prepare my taxes, I (usually) obey traffic laws, I worked hard for good grades, so that I would get into a good university, so that I would have an edge on the job market. Okay, forget for a minute that I'm a theatre artist; I still earned a Bachelor's of Art degree from an upstanding liberal arts college. I have excelled in my work - both career and "day job" alike. I pay my credit card bills, I pay my parking tickets, I pick up litter, I recycle, I stop for pedestrians ... I help old ladies at the super market when they think that I work there, even though I don't.

And yet. As I look at my life in the immediate now - so much of this preparation I've dedicated my life to seems a bit null and void. It's not just this economy, though it certainly doesn't help. I've been increasingly aware that life ... is life. The rules that I've been adhering to matter, but only inasmuch as laws are created to protect me and those around me. I know how to make good, legal choices. But I've been spending so much of the past 5 years waiting for something - an opportunity, a job, a life. And if the past 6 months have taught me anything, it's that life is not to be waited on - it's to be lived.

Sometimes, life requires faith. Yes, I absolutely mean requires. It doesn't need to be a God, or a power, or a universe, though it can be all of that and more. But most importantly, it requires faith in one's self. And if all of this planning and hard work and rule-following has taught me anything - it's that I have no reason not to have faith in myself. I have no reason to think that I won't survive anywhere I go. What I need now, is to go do it.

So that's what I'm going to do. What does that mean? Well ... it means that after I hear from a few different options, I'm going leave Southern California.