Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I can't sleep = Lame sports team names? ... with snarky comments!

It's almost 3:00 a.m., and I can't sleep. My sister, for possibly the 4th or 5th night in a row, came home past 1:30 a.m. And because of this, *both* dogs have been sleeping with me. And they have this incredibly annoying habit of barking at the sound of a would-be intruder. I know, I know - it's what dogs do. But this inevitably results in me being rudely awaken, pissed and tired, forced to fight for those illusive fucking sheep, one more fucking time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Clearly I've been watching too much Xena]

Anyway. At 2:35 a.m. my sister returned home from a midnight showing of Eclipse. While I could write an incredibly lengthy and venomous post about the evils of Stephany Mejier and her kingdom of misogynist emotional abuse - I will refrain, as I'm sure the amount of expletives I'd use would be exponentially higher, given that I'm a) cranky, b) sleep deprived, and c) hate, hate, HATE Stephany Mejier's writing/fiction/characters/irresponsibility in regard to teen girls/promotion of abusive relationships, On top of which, there was an incredibly loud and raging party at a house down the block, so loud that I went outside, in my boxer shorts, and told some drunken kids to shut the fuck up!

Okay, that last part is a lie. I didn't tell them to shut the fuck up. I stood in my boxer shorts, arms crossed, staring passively aggressively under the security lights of our house, hoping they'd see me and shut up out of guilt, shame, or both. They didn't. And so I went back inside. I showed THEM! (Is it just me? or am I getting old??)

Oddly, as I was lying on my stomach, trying to wrestle myself back into a nest-like comfortability (and failing miserably), I started thinking of really lame sports teams - although more specifically, the lame names sports teams have. Given that I'm a native of Orange County, and presumably because Orange County is typically a pretty lame place, we have two really lame team names - The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - and The Anaheim Ducks, formally, The Anaheim Mighty Ducks. A baseball team based on (theoretically) mythological Christian messengers of God, and a hockey team that was formed because of a cheesy Walt Disney franchise.

Makes you want to move here, no?

Now don't get me wrong - I'm a huge fan of both the Angels and the Ducks (as I've more than proven on this blog). I'm as loyal to my OC teams as the screaming panoply of tweens that profess undying devotion to "Team Edward" (lay off! I'm tired!!). And then some! But even I can admit that our lameness in name choices is ridiculous. This may be due to the fact that both teams are results of their respective sports leagues' expansions, but aren't expansions meant to make these professional sports cooler, and not lamer? My strongest, most logical argument in defense of this ridiculousness, is that Orange County is a family county - we're the largely gentrified suburb to the South of LA. We do families, Republicans, and house wives like no where else on earth. Angels are so unoffensive - who can argue with an Angel? He'll just save your ass after you kick his. And Ducks - well - in other places, Ducks are hunted. In Orange County, they just live in swimming pools and man-made ponds. They also make good stuffed animals.

In short, Angels + Ducks = Fun for the whole family!

[Trust me, this makes sense in my head.]

Yet, I would argue that neither the Ducks nor the Angels are the lamest team names currently active in sports. What's that? you want examples?? Oh, okay. If you insist.

The Colorado Rockies = Really? You're a baseball playing mountain range??
San Diego Padres = Less powerful and holy than Angels. Fail.
Philadelphia Phillies = Can we be any less original?
Minnesota Twins = I guess those twins in The Shining were pretty scary...
The Toronto Blue Jays = Pretty birds play baseball??
The Milwaukee Brewers = I love me some beer. I love me some baseball. I love me some beer at baseball games. But why are the makers of my beer out there playing?? Watch out! They'll ferment you!!
The Houston Astros = Sadly, this is a better name than what they previously had - the Houston Colt .45's. Astronauts, guns, or astronauts with guns. I'll take "Get me out of here" for $1,000, Alex.
The New York Metropolitans = For the first league expansion in 1962, that's all they could come up with?

The Dallas Stars = It's almost as impossible to see stars at night in Dallas as it is in Los Angeles.
The Pittsburgh Penguins = Pittsburgh is one of the most blue-collar, gritty rep cities we have in the US - and you went with penguins??
The NY Islanders = Not entirely something to be proud of.
The Washington Capitals = I don't think I need to say anything.
The Columbus Blue Jackets = Essentially, they're the Midwestern equivalent to a Civil War Yankee, but instead of a fighter, went with the article of clothing motif. 'Nuff said.
The Nashville Predators = Not the worst name out there, but certainly the most vague. Anything is a predator of something else - even Bunnies prey on grass, carrots, and strawberry tops.

The Atlanta Thrashers = You get points for sounding tough, but what the hell IS this thing?? ------------->
[NOTE: Apparently, the Thrasher is a small bird that lives in the Gulf states, as well as the Caribbean. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. If you have to look a mascot up on Wikipedia, you have more issues than bad branding.]

The Lakers = When you moved to LA from Minnesota, you didn't take the lakes with you! Morons.
The Seattle Super Sonics = I love you Seattle. But what the fuck is a Super Sonic? And don't you give me that bullshit about the Space Needle being the mascot.
The Salt Lake City Jazz = Since when is SLC known for it's mind-blowing music - of ANY kind??
The Denver Nuggets = Yep, gold nuggets sure are known for their excellent speed and rebounding ability.
The Orlando Magic = Don't tell me - you were owned by Disney too??
The Washington Wizards = I love the nerdy factor. But I don't think you could roll a +10 crit rating on a 12 sided die if your life depended on it.
Oklahoma City Thunder = ROAR!! We're loud and boomy and stuff!!
The Indiana Pacers = A basketball team based on stock car and harness racing. Welcome to Indiana! Wait...where are you going?

Classic sports teams that get a pass because they were created before telephones and good naming sense:
The Boston Red Sox
The Chicago White Sox
The Cincinnati Red Stockings (No, I'm not kidding)
The Oakland Athletics (formally of Philadelphia)
The Brooklyn (Los Angeles) Dodgers
The Montreal Canadiens/Les Habitants
The Detroit Red Wings (you don't even know how painful that was for me to type)
The Toronto Maple Leafs (sorry Monkey)
The New York Yankees (would only be great if there was ever a "Richmond Rebels" pro-baseball team)
The New York Knickerbockers (Tee hee ... makes me giggle every time!)
The Philadelphia 76ers (I suppose it's better than "The Brotherly Love")
The Baltimore Orioles (same problem as the Thrashers and the Blue Jays ... it's a small, pretty bird)
The Chicago Cubs (Cute, fluffy bear babies!!)
The St. Louis Blues (At least St. Louis is known for it's Blues music, unlike Salt Lake City...)

Classically great sports teams with great names/mascots:
Boston Bruins
Boston Celtics
New York Rangers
New Jersey Devils
Buffalo Sabres

Names that I can't put into any other category because their mascots are just racist:
The Atlanta Braves
The Cleveland Indians
The Chicago Blackhawks

Most Creative:
Calgary Flames (if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!! and The Miami Heat is just too obvious)
Minnesota Wild (grumble, grumble, begrudgingly I make this acknowledgement)
Tampa Bay Rays (don't mess! one of those things killed Steve Irwin!!)
Pittsburgh Pirates (There are NOT enough pirates in professional sports)
The Portland Trail Blazers (You have to have lived in Oregon to understand why this is awesome)
Toronto Raptors (Finally! A ferocious, prehistoric mascot! Too bad they're in Toronto...)
The Phoenix Suns (if you've ever been to Phoenix in August, you'll know what I'm talking about)
The Cleveland Cavaliers (A basketball team named for those loyal to King Charles I during the English Civil War...from Ohio. I like it!)
The Carolina Hurricanes (I wouldn't want to be caught in one of them...would you?)

[Oh Good! Someone's decided to throttle their incredibly loud motorcycle down the street. Fucking awesome.]

Goodnight, good morning - I probably should just stay up at this point - it's now 5:03 a.m. The Polar Bear shall SLEEP NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS - I don't like the NFL, therefore, I ignored football altogether.

Thank you.


QueenFee said...

I pissed myself laughing over this!! Now, as a non-sports fan, I have always done double takes over names and though "WTF?", but I guess I thought that a sporty soul might get it. Now I know that these names really are lame/sucky/stupid/laughable. Thanks, RadBrad! I feel vindicated!