The last four days have been a kind of hell for me. I'm not eating very well, I'm not sleeping very well. The specifics don't matter, really, to anyone else but me; but what was said cannot be unsaid. It can't be taken back.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Posted by Radical Bradacal at 1:11 AM
I've been trying, in a completely unsuccessful measure, to gain some clarity - some specifics that might inform me of the what/where/when/why of the things that were said. None have come forth. As a result, I'm stuck in a revolving door of hurt-pain-anger-sadness-resignation-indignation [rinse and repeat]. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Canada - I've been longing for this trip since May. Instead of the unrestrained joy and excitement I normally feel, there's this ugly, tar-black hole in my chest that I can't seem to shake, an unknown raptor on the edges of my consciousness. It's waiting to strike, and I have no way to avoid it. And I'm so angry that it's there, so incredibly hurt that I'm in this position - with no means to fix it.
I've done nothing wrong. But the grotesque shame and confusion I'm experiencing are doing their best to make me think I have. I've been scouring my brain in search of something - because if I can only pinpoint this mysterious *it*, I might have a solution or a way to fix it. But I don't know if that's actually true. And that scares me. I wish I didn't worry and I wish I didn't always expect the worst. I wish I could sleep, I wish my stomach didn't ache quite so much, or my heart feel quite so painful. I wish I could just let this go. I wish that walking away were an option for me. It's not.
I've had so many thoughts zooming endlessly in circles - combustible balls of fire that collide and miss and dodge and collide again. I want out of my head. And I wonder if you care at all? I wonder if the collective 'you' doing this to me gives a damn? Am I so expendable? Am I so unworthy your time? Am I so ignorant and inconsequential that I am undeserving of an explanation? Where did I go wrong; would you explain if all those words of praise were, in fact, just words? To what end?? I wasn't out to get anyone, I wasn't out for ambition or pride or false glory. I wanted to learn, and I wanted to get better, and I wanted to grow. That's what I was striving for.
I'm hoping that in writing this, I'll be able to start letting these thoughts and feelings break off and float away. If I get them out, and away from me, maybe this will dissipate and somehow be less painful.
Please - please be less painful.