Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I wish I had a river I could skate away on...

The last four days have been a kind of hell for me. I'm not eating very well, I'm not sleeping very well. The specifics don't matter, really, to anyone else but me; but what was said cannot be unsaid. It can't be taken back. 

I've been trying, in a completely unsuccessful measure, to gain some clarity - some specifics that might inform me of the what/where/when/why of the things that were said. None have come forth. As a result, I'm stuck in a revolving door of hurt-pain-anger-sadness-resignation-indignation [rinse and repeat]. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Canada - I've been longing for this trip since May. Instead of the unrestrained joy and excitement I normally feel, there's this ugly, tar-black hole in my chest that I can't seem to shake, an unknown raptor on the edges of my consciousness. It's waiting to strike, and I have no way to avoid it. And I'm so angry that it's there, so incredibly hurt that I'm in this position - with no means to fix it. 

I've done nothing wrong. But the grotesque shame and confusion I'm experiencing are doing their best to make me think I have. I've been scouring my brain in search of something - because if I can only pinpoint this mysterious *it*, I might have a solution or a way to fix it. But I don't know if that's actually true. And that scares me. I wish I didn't worry and I wish I didn't always expect the worst. I wish I could sleep, I wish my stomach didn't ache quite so much, or my heart feel quite so painful. I wish I could just let this go. I wish that walking away were an option for me. It's not. 

I've had so many thoughts zooming endlessly in circles - combustible balls of fire that collide and miss and dodge and collide again. I want out of my head. And I wonder if you care at all? I wonder if the collective 'you' doing this to me gives a damn? Am I so expendable? Am I so unworthy your time? Am I so ignorant and inconsequential that I am undeserving of an explanation? Where did I go wrong; would you explain if all  those words of praise were, in fact, just words? To what end?? I wasn't out to get anyone, I wasn't out for ambition or pride or false glory. I wanted to learn, and I wanted to get better, and I wanted to grow. That's  what I was striving for.  

I'm hoping that in writing this, I'll be able to start letting these thoughts and feelings break off and float away. If I get them out, and away from me, maybe this will dissipate and somehow be less painful. 

Please - please be less painful.  


Phoenix said...


I love you, so incredibly much. It hurts to see you hurt this much and I wish I could punch every single one of those fuckers in the face.

You have done nothing wrong. You have only been you and you have given gifts to lives and blessed people more than is measurable. Don't let this make you doubt yourself or your validity.

It is shitty what they are doing. But that is their fear and their baggage and it is not yours to carry.

If I could, I would carry this weight for you. It kills me that I cannot.

♥mily said...

hope things get better for you.


Leslie said...

Thinking about you!