Ghosts of Halloweens past ...

Before I begin, let me just say: I LOVE that Halloween is on a Sunday this year. LOVE. IT. Christine O'Donnell might deny her witchiness, but if you ask me, she planned it.

HALLOWEEN! The celebration of All Hallow's Eve, Samhain, All Souls Day, El Dia de los Muertos (which, while technically Nov.1st, still celebrates the dead, so it counts). Do you remember waiting months, weeks, and days for Halloween? Do you remember planning out your costume in intricate detail? That familiar scent of fall mixed high fructose corn syrup? The anticipation of going to school looking like something other than a nerdy kid, and maybe (depending on the year), getting to wear *gasp!* MAKEUP?! Do you remember the thrill of watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on public access TV??????? (Okay, maybe that last one was just me...)

I DO. I loved the anticipation of Halloween, though not necessarily Halloween itself. I loved planning my costumes every year, racking my brain for better, more creative ideas than anyone else. I loved trick or treating, I loved the candy. What I didn't love was all the scariness attached to it. I *HATED* being scared, and this is coming from a child who was scared all the time, whether it was Halloween or no. I still get scared easily. I don't do scary movies, I don't do fright fests, and I CERTAINLY do not do Haunted Houses. It was a bit of a battle for me, year after year - in order to celebrate my awesome creativity, I had to brave all the haunted-house-nightmare-on-elm-street-friday-the-13th-Jason-in-a-hockey-mask-Freddy-Kreuger's-blood-drenched-metal-fingers-ghosts-in-the-graveyard-things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-and-kill-me-with-a-chainsaw bullshit. Sometimes I failed, sometimes I succeeded. But no matter the fear factor, I was always there - ironic and esoteric costume in tow.

You have to understand - when you're raised by theatre professionals, the costume possibilities are endless. It was never enough for me to be a typical Halloween anything. I was never once a witch, or a ghost, or a mummy (I did go as Dracula one year, but I was the best Dracula you've ever seen!). I never went as the cartoon-character-of-the-year, never dressed up as any kind of doll or princess. And with my costume shop kingdom, I won costume contest after costume contest - it was every child's DREAM! Except most other children weren't envious of me, so much as they were relieved that there was someone (much) weirder than them. But I *liked* being weird. In fact, I kind of excelled at it.

Case-in-point: The 1st Grade Dragonfly Faery (age 6)

I wasn't just a Dragonfly, and I wasn't just a Faery. I was a dragonflyfaery. Costume source: Gem Theatre costume shop, thanks to my dad. I believe the wings and head were from a recent production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

That was pretty much as girly as I got. I don't think I was ever caught in pink tights again. But look at the production values on that mask! What kid wouldn't want something that geeky cool??

Costumes became more complicated as I grew older, however. At some point, I lost my costume shop privileges; not because of anything I'd done, but I didn't have access to it anymore. That's when my right brain kicked in, and came up with some truly out-there ideas. Like what? Davy Crockett. In 1992. I don't know if you remember how popular Davy Crockett was in 1992, but I think he was somewhere between Howdy Doody and a French Revolutionary. I was *SO* insanely proud of this idea. I had gone on a roadtrip that summer with my mom, step-dad, and step-sisters. It was a wholly awful trip - lots of arguing, usually about something that I did (I hated being the youngest), though I can't remember. The arguing was so bad, my mom took me and we went off on our own. For my money, that was the best part of the trip - we saw Old Faithful, and the sulfer springs - and with the money I had been saving, I bought myself a coon-skin cap and a musk-ox horn - the noise-making variety, not for gunpowder.

In late August, long after we had returned home, I told my mom I wanted to be Davy Crockett for Halloween. She found the costume print, we picked out the fabric, and she even bought me a pair of moccasins to wear. It had the fringe on the arms, the front of the jacket - I had my cap guns and air-chamber rifle I had been given the Christmas before - it. was. AWESOME. I won 2nd place at the Whittier Halloween Festival, and received a whole bucket load of candy, and a ribbon. The candy was offered up to the rest of the family (and was promptly consumed). But the ribbon stayed on my bookshelf for YEARS - a testament to my originality and affirmation in my creativity. So while I was constantly doing something wrong in the eyes of my step-family, I had a token reminder that I was actually much better than what they were telling me.

Unfortunately, I don't have any photos of me as Davy Crockett, though my mom might. But that's still my favorite Halloween costume to date.

By the time I reached high school, my need for originality got worse. A LOT worse. My sophomore year, I stapled trash to an old shirt and pair of jeans, smeared my face with dirt, and went as Pollution.

My senior year, I went as an Academic:

[By the by, this photo was taken at my friend Anna's house at 6:30 a.m., before 0 period Marching Band. So if I look half-awake, it's because I am.]

As an adult, Halloween doesn't have the same significance to me. I enjoy it, it's fun. I don't dress up anymore - I think being an actor has taken all of the air out of that particular balloon. I do love passing out candy, though, and seeing the kids in their costumes now. Unfortunately, adulthood also comes with a price - I'm starting a temp job on Halloween that begins at 6:00 p.m. and lasts until 3:00 a.m. So no candy deposits for me this year. The things we do for a buck, eh? Ah well.

I could go on and on about the weirdness/genius of my past Halloween costumes, but rather than waxing poetical in long detail, I'll list them instead.

Top 9 Halloween Costumes I've worn/created:

1. Davy Crockett (age 10)*
2. The Artful Dodger (age 5)* - Yes, from Oliver!
3. Errol Flynn/Captain Blood (age 8)
4. Pollywog/Frog (age 2)
5. Pollution (age 15)

6. Lesbian Army of one (age 20)*
7. Calamity Jane (age 9)
8. Werewolf of London (age 7)*
9. Robbin Hood (age 11)

* Denotes costume contest winners

(Wow. I'm totally braggy about my costumes! I apologize for the blatant douchiness)

Single WORST Costume I've ever been forced to wear:

CLOWN (age 4)

The story: I hate clowns. I've ALWAYS hated clowns. One Halloween, my dad has to go out of town for business, so he asks my best friend's mom if I can go trick-or-treating with them? Of course! My dad wonders what costume he should appropriate for me, and Pam, my best friend's mom says, don't worry about it, I have an extra costume, then the girls will match! Perfect, says my dad. So I show up to my best friend's house, very excited about wearing a matchy-matchy costume with her. She takes me into her room to show me, and whambamthankyouma'am, I see the clown wig and the crazy costume, and I BURST into tears. Somewhere, there's a photo of Crystal and I standing in Pam's kitchen - Crystal is smiling shyly, not sure what to do, because I can't stop crying.

If you could see the photo below close up, you'd see tear-tracks in my clown makeup. This is after the fiasco, where I'm emotionally binge-eating chocolate, in an attempt to patch the giant hole of terror that was brutally ripped in my psyche.

Trick-or-treating with pillow cases! OLD. SCHOOL.

Some more Halloween Favorites:

Candy: Rolos or Milky Way Midnights (worst: anything that's not chocolate, and whoppers)

Movie: "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown"

Song: "I Put a Spell on You" Bette Midler, a la Hocus Pocus

Event: The Rocky Horror Halloween party I threw in my hall when I was an RA in College, complete with toilet paper, toast, rice, and every Rocky Horror accoutrement known to human kind.

So what about you? Favorites? Worsts? Fears? I hope your Halloween is whatever you want it to be - whether it's celebrating your own brilliance, or cuddling up on the couch with your favorite bag of candy, and watching something scary like the 700 Club on the boob tube. 

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THE list.

You know what I'm talking about. THE. LIST. That mental sheet of celebrity names you keep in the back of your head - the names of people which you would gladly sleep with, despite that awesome relationship with your partner. THE LIST!

One night during my sophomore year of college, I was having an IM session with my friend Jon, who lives in San Francisco. I don't remember most of the details, except that somehow we started claiming female celebrities. I'm sure the conversation began with us bemoaning our lack of girlfriends. He claimed one, and then I claimed one, and after we each had our top 10, and I figured the conversation would change onto something more ... meaningful? we kept going. This turned into a three hour conversation, and each of us with a list of over 100 celebrities that we had "claimed," like gold stakes in the Yukon. Were we serious? Of course not. Was it my proudest moment? Hell no. Was it fun in a crazy, competitive, once-in-a-lifetime kind of way? YOU. BET.

At the time, I was severely depressed - I had just been left (repeatedly) by my first love, who moved from Oregon to Wyoming in an attempt to find Jesus ... again. (remember my "that's a story for another time" comment on my last post? She's who I meant) And while Oregon is apparently a very gay state, Salem is not a very gay town. And my university (at the time) was not a very gay university. So I spent the next 3 years being very celibate and very lonely. Ergo, the cultivation of my list served as sustenance through some very, very dry years.

And I thought I was being all creative ... I thought I was the only one to have list, chiefly because (at the time) I was the only one I knew who needed a list! But it was a lie! Once I left college, I realized that *everyone* has a list, whether they're in relationships or not. Not only that, their partners have their own set of lists, and it's just generally understood that if either person were to have that one in a billion opportunity of having a romantic night with any person on their list, the walls of fidelity would dissipate for that one night. Especially if the same person is on BOTH lists ... talk about a night to remember.

Am I serious about this? Yes, in the sense that lists exists. No, to the extent that anyone would actually fulfill the purpose of the list or even be in the situation where fidelity would need to be broken. It's a game. It's a fun, fun, FUN game. Yet one that can add a certain something for certain people. For example, me. As the passionate, independent, and loyal person that I am, having a list fuels my imagination - but when my partner has a list, I suddenly have something to compete for, in a non-realistic, non-threatening way. And the only thing Aries love more than independence, is competition - but not forced competition. I get more creative, more flirty, more saucy if I know I have something to compete with, though again, not something real. It adds spice and character and invention. Not to mention the fact that The List can help level the playing field. We're all human, we have foibles and weaknesses - how better to express that in a non-actual way, than with a list. The worst is finding out that while your list is active and fun, your partners' is non-existent. You want to talk about kill-joy. The subtext then becomes "I don't look at anyone else but you," (which is almost always a lie, to some degree or other) and boy does one feel like an ass if one's on the other side of this scenario. And I have been.

So with all that in mind, I admit that I totally have a list. It rotates between 5-10 people, for various reasons. Oh ... what's that? You want to know who's on my list?? Oh. You don't.

Well ... I'm going to tell you anyway. (It's really the inspiration for this post, you know...)

Today's list 

(because it totally changes)

1. Sara Ramirez

2. Tilda Swinton

I think this is the biggest surprise for most people, when I say Tilda (she's been on my list for a LONG time), but I find androgyny, TRUE androgyny, incredibly sexy. She is completely transmutable, incredibly interesting, and wonderfully intelligent. I LOVE HER. 

3. Mariska Hargitay

4. Brandi Carlile

Duh.

5. Martha Burns

So Martha Burns is a Canadian actress, who's the female lead in Slings and Arrows, who's also married to Paul Gross (someone who occasionally circulates my list), who's just kind of phenomenal, except that no one below the 48th parallel really knows it. Try doing a google image search for Martha Burns. I dare you.

6. Kim Dickens

I honestly can't tell you why ... perhaps because she's been on two of my favorite shows (Deadwood and Treme), perhaps because she frequently has fairly weird haircuts and sometimes looks like a lesbian - I don't know. But she's wicked talented, and highly underrated, and there's just something!

There are others, but again, they rotate in on different days. I shared mine ...who's on yours? 

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And "best woman in human history" goes to....

Today is July 4th - which, if you're American, means a national holiday involving alcohol and the lighting of explosives. Hooray! If you're not an American - well, it's just a normal Sunday for you, sorry; you have to have your alcohol without explosives, poor souls that you are. Don't feel too bad - at least you'll have all of your limbs intact at the end of the day. Good for you!

Anyway, for the past 2 years, Shakespeare Orange County has had a free and public reading of the Declaration of Independence, and so we did again this year. My favorite section of this little gathering entails the reading of passages written by our fore-fathers and mothers, incorporating Shakespeare. Example? Abigail Adams and John Adams quote a lot from Julius Caesar back and forth to each other during their letters throughout the days leading up to the Revolutionary War. Jefferson uses Shakespeare, Washington uses Shakespeare, I'm sure even Benjamin Franklin quotes some kind of irreverent piece of text at some point. Shakespeare's use of rhetoric - the art of persuasion - is the cornerstone of our country's important documents; straight up. 

This year, my dad couldn't find the Abigail Adams passages, and I became very sad. And I told this to my monkey, and said, "Abigail Adams is in my top 5 women of all time..." And then I started to think about my top 5 women of all time ... who are they? what did they do? how did they change our world? do I always ask myself rhetorical questions? 

In a word, yes. 

Then, I asked my sister last night as we were walking the dogs, who her top 5 women of all history would be. She came up with three, initially. She had trouble thinking of more. "I don't know a lot of great women in history." Excuse me, WHAT?!?! How can you say that and call yourself my sister??? Then, because she was grasping at straws, she picked some weird choices out of thin air ....

"Oh! I know who I'm missing ... Marie Antoinette!"

"Marie Antoinette?!?! Really?? Why??"

"Because I think she was really good."

"Uhm ... really good at what?"

"That's not what I mean - like, everyone thought she was this heartless bitch, and I don't think she really was."

"Oh. You think she was a scapegoat."

"YEAH."

"Okay ... but what did she do?!"

"What do you meant?"

"Well ... I guess when I think about great women of history, they tried - against all male odds - to make the world a better place, when usually they wouldn't have been able to - because they were women, and therefore second rate citizens - if citizens at all. You know? Women who have had an impact to change the course of our lives and the way we live." 

"Oh. Well, I can't think of very many."

Then she asked me about my choices for great men in history, and I let her off the hook. 

So, on this July 4th, in the spirit of my own feminist pride, I give you:

PB's Top 10 Women of World History

1. Boadicea - led an uprising against the occupying Roman Army in Brittain in AD 60, after her husband was captured, and her daughters (and herself) nearly raped. Sure, she was later caught and executed, but I have three words for you: ORIGINAL. BAD. ASS.

2. Abigail Adams - She's the original feminist. People credit Emmeline Pankhurst or other suffragettes ... no no no. She wasn't a wife-as-commodity, she was a partner and an equal to her husband, on her own insistence - though I'm sure she wouldn't have married John Adams if he had been a horse's ass. Here are some of her little gems:

• "Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could."
• "If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice, or representation."
• "If we mean to have heroes, statesmen and philosophers, we should have learned women."
• "Well, knowledge is a fine thing, and mother Eve thought so; but she smarted so severely for hers, that most of her daughters have been afraid of it since."

Abigail did a LOT of background work before, during, and after the revolution, and doesn't get NEARLY as much credit as she should. And considering her ideas on women's rights within a "Free" society were nearly 200 years before her time, I think she's bee's knees.

3. Elizabeth I - One of England's longest reigning monarchs (second only to Victoria), one of the most  enlightened, educated, and powerful women to have lived. Ever. While an obvious choice, certainly a good one, I think.

4. Eleanor Roosevelt - Best first lady since Abigail Adams. HUGE civil and social rights activist. Another great woman who did countless behind-the-scenes work on everything from public policy to international politics. I also think it's a relatively enlightened woman who can allow her husband to have affairs, and then allow herself to have some too.

5. Pope Joan - While the Catholic church firmly, passionately, and contemptuously denies the existence of Pope Joan, there is ancient documented evidence that she existed in the 12th century. The fact that the Catholic church denies it so vehemently ... well. I'll say no more. But according to what was written about her, she studied in Athens and Rome, disguised as a boy, simply because she wanted to learn. And since a good education at the time was only got by the church, she rose through the ranks on the skill of her intelligence and kindness alone. She was later, reportedly, found out as a woman because she gave birth. Firebrand? Yes ma'am!

6. Harriet Tubman - She escaped her own slavery, went back into the South 13 times to save over 70 slaves on the Underground Railroad. When the Civil War started she worked in the Union Army as a cook, a nurse, an armored scout, and a spy. After the war, she was a huge help during the very early stages of the women's suffrage movement. And I'm sure, given half the chance, would have fought for Native rights too.

7. Sacagawea - The interpreter and guide for Lewis & Clark - traveled from North Dakota to the Pacific Ocean with a baby on her back. There should be a quote along the lines of, "Sacagawea did everything Lewis & Clark did, only with a baby on her back, while speaking multiple languages!" Without her, Lewis & Clark would have been a small footnote in the annals of history, about the first two men to try and reach the Pacific Ocean. Because of Sacagawea, they actually did. She's a big deal in the Pacific Northwest, as well she should be.

8. Hatshepsut - Forget Cleopatra. Hatshepsut ruled before Cleopatra, and had the longest and most successful pharoahship of any other woman ruler of Egypt (and they were not strangers to women rulers). She was highly skilled as a tactician, but had a rule of long-standing peace, re-opened trade routes that helped regain Egypt's wealth, and issued in a period of architecture that was unparalleled for thousands of years. Oh. And this was all around 1479 B.C. BAM.

9. Empress Wu Zetian - The first, and ONLY Chinese Empress in History (690), and is also the first to start her own Dynasty (Zhou, which interrupted the Tang Dynasty). She started out as a concubine, like you do, became the Empress Dowager, deposed two of her sons, supposedly killed her daughter to frame another woman of royalty, Empress Wang, as well as her eldest son - but then, that's the price for being an original. She was said to be ruthless and shrewd, but at the same time an attentive ruler and a great judge of character. She was later deposed by one of the sons that SHE deposed, and called herself 'emperor' until the say she died. Her rule lasted almost 30 years. Contemporary scholars are still trying to decide who she really was - yet another case of, "Was she really a bitch? Or is that just how the conquerors made her out to be?"

10. Babe Didrikson Zaharias - Not all great women of history are leaders of nations. Babe Zaharias is, I believe, to this day, the most talented multi-sport female athlete the world's ever seen. Golf, basketball, and a swath of track & field events left Babe with 3 Olympic medals, 10 LPGA major championships wins (including the US Open), 17 amateur women's golf wins (not even Tiger Woods has won as much!), she was also accomplished at pool, and won an Amateur Athlete Team Championship - all by herself. Babe paved the way so that girls like me could play sports too. Without Babe, there would be no Billie Jean King, no Jackie Joyner Kersey (perhaps the only other woman I could name as the most talented multi-sport athlete).

Top 10 Women I wish had been real
1. Xena - Uhm, duh.
2. Penthesilea - Queen of the Amazons, fought at Troy, honored by Achilles for her courage and skill.

3. Hua Mulan - Chinese Female warrior, disguised herself as a man.
4. Lao Ma - Fictional character from Xena - in the Xenaverse, Lao Ma is responsible for Lao Tzu's Taoist book of Wisdom.
5. Rogue - Marvel comics. The ORIGINAL Rogue. Not the Anna Paquin Rogue. Ugh.
6. Morgaine - as written by Marion Zimmer Bradley in the Mists of Avalon.
7. Cassandra - as written by Marion Zimmer Bradley in The Firebrand.
8. The nameless Amazon on the isle of St. Kilda, Scotland - Or, Taigh na Banaghaisgeich. This is a piece of folklore I learned of relatively recently, but I've become fascinated. (the link is Wikipedia, look under "Pre-historic buildings)
9. Atalanta - Greek mythology, abandoned in the wild by her father (who wanted a boy), suckled by a mama-bear to survive, was said to have been one of the best hunters alive, was always happy, had "bear like" ferocity and skill, was one of Jason's argonauts, swore and oath to Artemis, killed rapists.
10. Elphaba Thropp - as written by Gregory Maquire in Wicked, not that silly musical.

The woman to be most excited about right now: 
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf - President of Liberia.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!

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My Top 10 Alternative Professions....and an award!

Last week was chalk-full of life jumping up, smacking me in the face, and saying, "Why didn't you go to school to become a therapist?? You'd be making an obscenely larger sum of money!" Which was then punctuated by one or two additional smacks, just drive to the point across. With the faux therapy hours I put in last week, at a rate of $50.00 and hour, I'd have $500. That's more than twice what I make in a week, and for significantly less hours of work.

So why didn't I become a therapist? Because I'm a theatre artist, that's why! And I'd probably come home from work sobbing uncontrollably every day - and I don't think that's very healthy. I think the gift of empathy I have, which serves me as an actor, would kill me as a licensed mental-health professional.

But that had me thinking about the other careers I might have had, other alternatives I could've taken. Then I started thinking about the "What I want to be when I grow up" question - and the historical markers that garnished my formative years with pretending that I didn't want to be in theatre (when really, I did). This required some deep thought, as several of the various career paths I've dreamed up in my life, would be completely unsuitable for my brain type/skill set.

So here - along with the age at the time of conception - are the top 10 career alternatives I've thought of in my life, that I would actually be good at.

10. Firefighter - age 7 - I liked seeing the surprised, admired, and even dumb-founded looks on the faces of boys when I said that. I was big, I was strong, I could told carry other 7 years olds in and out of buildings. I totally could have been a fire-fighter. Major set-back: I wasn't so hot on the concept of fire. And that's sort of a job requirement.

9. Large Animal Veterinarian - age 8-9 - Specifically, a horse Vet. I LOVE HORSES! Major set-back: Math, science, and again, that pesky over-developed empathy thingamajig in my brain. I couldn't watch horses die in movies - what made me think I could watch them die in real life??

8. Architect - age 10 - I was a Lego Queen! Building, creating - totally up my alley. Major set-back: Geometry, as I would come to discover in grade 10.

7. Cowboy - age 6 - Knowledge of riding horses? Check. Possession of Western Wear? Double Check. Good with animals? Triple check! Major set-back: Dying job market, and lack of knowledge concerning shooting weapons - I don't like guns.

6. Poet - on and off since I was 9 - Technically, there is no job one can possess called "Poet" - it's just something one does, if one has the proclivity. And I do. But to be a published poet - in a legit publication, well, that's something different entirely. Major set-back: if it's even conceivable, poets get paid less than actors.

5. Musician - for 6-8 months when I was 11 - I started playing the Trombone when I was 10. And I have to say, I was more gifted than many of my elementary school peers. This ambition did not last long, but I had a very strong romantic notion of playing jazz trombone in Wynton Marsalis' band. Major set-back: Practice time. Ugh.

4. HS or College Women's Basketball Coach - 13 - I knew I was never going to grow to the height necessary for my position on a pro-basketball team, nor was I ever going to miraculously learn to be a guard. But I grew up watching Pat Summitt dominate women's basketball in such a fiercely enticing way, and was dumb-struck that the most winningest (it's a word!) coach in NCAA basketball (men's AND women's) history was a woman, that I thought, "Yeah! I could do that!" Major set-back: A growing, and ever increasing disillusionment with the sport of basketball. I also think it would have helped having a female coach. Not once - in my 10 years of playing - did I *ever* have a female coach.

3. Professor of Literature - 15 - I love to read. I love to talk about books. Bam! Major set-back: in order to be admitted into grad school for Literature, one must be proficient in a non-English language, and my handle of foreign languages is quite regrettable. Ay Dios mio!

2. High School English Teacher - 14 - I know, without a doubt, that I would be a great high school teacher. I know this, it's been told to me, encouraged for me, and is still a possible fall back if my theatre career dies a painful death at the hands of __________________________ (fill in the blank). Major set-back: Because it would be the fall-back for me, it's also the job that I REALLY don't want to do, because (for me) it would be settling. And with the educational budget cuts, lobbies, and Presidential mandates, I don't think it would be a job that would make me very happy in the long run.

1. Rock Journalist for Rolling Stone Magazine - 17 to present - In short: This is my non-theatre dream job. Major set-back: It has a less than 1% probability of ever happening - for anyone.

Do I know how to pick 'em? Or do I know how to pick 'em??

And to satiate your curiosity - the top 5 jobs I've ever dreamed of being, but would have less than a snow-balls' chance in hell of becoming (largely because I'm math/science deficient):

1. Engineer (I think I had an erector set at the time)
2. Marine Biologist (7th grade science trip to Catalina)
3. Environmental Lawyer (What? it requires law school?)
4. Pediatrician (Again with the math/science failure)
5. Social Worker (Empathy thingamajig over-kill)

It's been brought to my attention that my best friend gave me this pretty little award for leaving "ray of sunshine" comments on her blog. I don't know if this is based in reality (I don't leave many comments on her blog), or her own biased thoughts, but seeing as how I've never been given a blog award before, I'll take it.

Thanks, Trace!

So now, I have to pass this along to people who leave little "rays of sunshine" on MY blog, via comments. I choose:
Queen Fee
The Struggling Actress
Kristin Quinn
Ms. Cleaver

Would it be redundant to re-tag you, Tracy? Especially since you've left the 2nd longest comment on my blog thus far?

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10 Random Things from a Week in my Life

1. I took the bandage off of my toe yesterday. I have a giant hole where skin (and a wart) used to be. No, it doesn't hurt. It's just weird to look at.

2. Remember me blogging about my crazy, fanatical fantasy hockey exploits? I started my own fantasy baseball league. Their are 8 teams in the league. I'm in 7th place. *sigh* Epic fail.

3. I've cried three times this week. The reasons don't matter. But I've had a slight, yet constant dehydration headache. Suck.

4. I don't have a huge thing for Vampire fiction. I read the Twilight series, but for the sole purpose of proving to my sister why it was crappy, rather for my own pleasure. In fact, I was so mortified at the misogyny in book 2, that I threw it across the room, and almost didn't pick it up again, except for a burning stubbornness I had about finishing them. I wish I hadn't. Anyway, that being said, I've started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris. And I like them. It's also my first audio book experience. I'm not sure my auditory skills are very acute - I have to keep back-tracking.

5. Music you should buy now: The Hold Steady's latest album - "Heaven is Whenever" and Bettye LaVette's album - "Interpretations: The British Songbook." The Hold Steady's album is just a gem - I promise you won't regret it. Bettye LaVette's album takes the American Southern Blues inspired songs written by Brits under their rock interpretation, and returns the songs to the origin of their inspiration. It's genius. Get a whiff of this:



Her cover of Led Zeppelin's "All of My Love" is awe-inspiring. Seriously. Do it.

6. As an Aries, I'm not very good at being taken for granted. In fact, I really hate it. I'm also not incredibly good at being patient and waiting for things that I want. I am, usually, very good at making what I want happen, or trying my darndest to make them happen. As a result of all these facts, I've been ridiculously frustrated. Add in some hormones, and oh BOY has it been a party! This has all helped contribute to item #3. My poor, kind girlfriend has had some doozy phone calls this week. I'm sure the sound of me in tears is getting old.

7. As a fairly loyal and enthusiastic sports fan, I feel I should be really excited about the World Cup. I'm not.

8. Things that have made me increasingly happy: my dog, doing just about anything; my girlfriend, by just being who she is; great music, see above; writing the script for the impending benefit; alphabetizing my DVD collection; June gloom and heavy marine layers; HBO shows; the Chicago Blackhawks; the Boston Celtics; the upright citizen's brigade; my trip to Calgary in July.

9. I finally joined Netflix. I'm simultaneously thrilled and disgusted. I might never come out of my room.

10. I'm going to go see Shrek 4 tonight. I've been waiting to see this film since April. The amount of excitement I have over this venture should probably be embarrassing. But it's not.

I hope you all have a very awesome weekend!

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I had a weekend...

I spent all day Saturday and Sunday with my casting director hat on, auditioning would-be hopefulls for King Lear and Two Gents. Monday and Tuesday I spent with my mother in Randsburg, CA. If you've never heard of Randsburg, it's a living ghost town on the road to Mammoth Mountain, off of Highway 395.



My mom's husband passed away right after Christmas, following on the heels of her two dogs, and her cat that ran away. 2009 wasn't very kind to my dear mum, and 2010 looks to be a bit of an uphill battle. My mom is the strongest person I know, and I know she'll find her way - she always does. But to be bereft of an entire household, almost at the same time - is a bit much for anyone. The 24 hour period I was visiting marked the first time in I can't remember how long that my mom and I were alone together. Talking. Which was pretty amazing to me. I take for granted that my mom wants to see me more, and I don't think she realized that I want to be closer to her. Anyway, I'm taking steps to remedy this. And hopefully help my mom find some canine companions. We went to the animal shelter while I was there. I should never be taken to animal shelters, county pounds, or pet stores; I inevitably want to take all of the animals home. And then I cry because I can't. It's all very pathetic.

With concern to auditions ... they were two very long days. Especially Saturday. Apparently, actors are scared away by those droplets of water that fall from the sky, called rain. I had 10 no-shows. Not only were they no-shows, they were no-calls, no-emails, no-courtesy. Needless to say, I was a bit appalled. And really ticked off when the last appointments of the day on *both* days stood me up, which left me waiting around over an hour and a half. In the cold and the rain. Our theatre is an amphitheater - outside. No, I don't audition people outside - we have a building in the back. But the only place to wait by the front gate is our box office, which is concrete and wood. No insolation, no heater. Do you know what the only worse creature is than a pissed-off casting director? A cold, wet, and appalled casting director.

The last casting entry I wrote about was for submissions.This one is for the actual auditions:

1. SHOW UP. Just do it. You don't work if you don't audition. However, if you can't show up, because of something as serious as car issues, health woes, or oh, I don't know - something as terrifying as rain ....

2. CALL or E-MAIL. If you have a scheduled appointment (obviously, not for generals), you need to inform the casting director as much ahead of time as possible. If that's not possible, still call or e-mail. We remember the names of people who stood us up. And we have files.

3. BREATHE. Breathe before the audition, breathe *during* the audition, and certainly breathe after. Auditions are terrible, god-awful things. Nervousness is natural. But the more you breathe, the more of yourself you're maintaining for room. Have a nice chat with the person/people at the front desk. Ask questions...because...

4. WE TALK. The folks in the front will tell the auditors in the back if someone was rude or, alternatively, they were super nice. The people at the front desks can be advocates for you in a way that the auditor might not get to see, because actors are *always* nice to us. We want to know what you'd be like in a company of other actors. The people at the front desks (who are more often than not company members) will speak their mind and let us know if you're someone they want to be around. because that's important in the theatre. You don't need to spend all your focus and attention on them - but "pleases," "Thank you's," smiling, and general kindness will go a LONG way. Because they're there all day too.

5. HOW TO WALK INTO A ROOM. Remember: You deserve to be there. If you've been called in, there is something about you that the auditor wants to see - your resume, your training, more times than not a combo of both - we want to see you shine. We want you to be the one. And that starts as soon as you walk into a room. Breathing applies here, too. Just be yourself. You know the rodeo - now enjoy it as much as you can.

6. PIECES. This is probably the #1 mistake made by most actors - and in their defense, it's the hardest one to figure out. You need to have the right pieces. Don't make the casting director work to place you in their shows - it should be evident by the pieces you choose. If the season is King Lear and Two Gents, don't come in with Cymbeline, Measure for Measure, or Love's Labour's Lost. This would be a good time to bring out the big guns - Othello, Romeo & Juliet, Twelfth Night, Midsummer. Why those? You have Shakespeare's most difficult, most heart-wrenching tragedy - probably ever written; paired along side one of his earliest, youngest, and somewhat silly plays. Cymbeline, Love's Labour's, and Measure all live in this half-world - the characters are quite different than the plays you're auditioning for; hell, the themes don't even match. You're also dealing with the epic prolificness of Lear's language. We need to know if you can handle it - so doing the less epic/more obscure combos = bad news bears ... (there was a woman who did back to back Imogen monologues for her "contrasting" pieces...AH!) but you also need to know -

7. YOUR TYPE. Please, please, please know your type! If you are a 5'7" male, weighing 130 pounds (or less), and look like you're 18, DO NOT bring in a Hotspur piece (for those who may not know, Hotspur is Hal's rival in the Henry IV cycle - he's a crazy good warrior). If you're a 6'0" woman, don't do Hermia. These are kind of extreme examples, but they happen ALL THE TIME! Many casting directors will discard you with poor choices. I usually won't (unless your text is just plain bad). I will offer you the chance to come back - with different pieces. But I don't stop there ... I even give you suggestions! Now, don't take this precious gift I've just given you for FREE (which I could have charged lots of your hard-earned money for in the form of a casting director workshop) and throw it away because of your insecurities. Take the suggestion, work on it, and come back and own those pieces. Not only are you showing the casting director you're willing to work, but you're showing us that you can take direction and work with us. And that's a much better win than dwelling on the rejection of the pieces you picked yourself.

8. YOUR AUDITIONING REPERTOIRE. If you are an actively auditioning stage actor, you should have at least 6 monologues ready to go at any given time. Here they are:

1 Serious/Contemporary
1 Comedic/Contemporary
1 Dramatic/Classical
1 Comedic/Classical
1 Romantic/Classical
1 Wildcard of whatever you want

The first three should be self-explanatory. The Comedic classical should be something silly - a clown, a fool, something over-the-top. If you want to audition for Viola, that's what your romantic piece is for - don't waste your romance on the comedy. I can't tell you how many times I asked this weekend, "Do you have something silly?" I want to see if you can go out there and make a risk and be a clown. Just because Shakespeare wrote romantic comedies, doesn't mean the leads are funny. More often than not ... they're not at all. Not in the language, anyway.

The wildcard should be another of whichever you want. It should be something you're passionate about, something you feel comfortable in, something you can whip out, when asked, and nail it every time. It should be an expression of you. The wildcard does NOT need to be "your type." In fact, it shouldn't be. But if a director or a casting director ever asks if you "have something different" - enter the Wildcard. Give them something they haven't seen, and make them remember you.

The reason I say you should have three classicals, and only two contemporaries, has to do with language. Contemporary pieces are a lot easier to slide by with in terms of the contrast of language. This is not the case with classical texts. In contemporary plays, the language is usually secondary, and is there to support character, action, and plot. The art of the play is not in the words, but in what the actors do (this has to do with the late 19th century addition of subtext, but that's a lesson for another time). In Classical texts, it's all about the words. There is no subtext in Shakespeare. Let me repeat that: THERE IS NO SUBTEXT IN SHAKESPEARE. It wasn't a concept yet. Shakespeare's characters tell us everything they're going to do, everything they're thinking. This is not to say there aren't layers to the language - of course their are! But he's not hiding from you. He's not writing for actors to say one thing, and have an entire non-verbal sub-story. The story IS the story, the language is profound and honest (except for when he's being ironic), and this makes the characters all very different. An example of a well rounded classical monologue set:

For Men:                                               For Women: 
Touchstone/Launce                                 Phoebe/Helena/Hermia
Orsino/Orlando                                      Viola/Julia
Othello/Macbeth/Richard III/Iago            Lady Macbeth/Hermoine/Paulina

9. There are two speeches you should never, ever, ever do in an audition. The First is Mercutio's "Queen Mab" speech from R&J. The second is (yep...you know it) Hamlet's "To be or not to be." Why? in the first case, no one knows what this speech is really about, but everyone has an idea of how it should be played. In the second, everyone knows what it's about, everyone has an opinion on how it should be done, and you'll catch the auditors moving their lips along with you, because *everyone* knows this speech by heart. In either case, you're setting yourself up for automatic failure. Just don't do it.

10. THE GOODBYE. Just say "Thank you." If they want to talk with you, that's awesome. They'll stop you. But otherwise assume that you should just leave. I know the impulse to linger is strong, but fight it. Just be proud of the work you did, thank them for their time, and turn to leave. Whether they talk to you or not is irrelevant. There's no rule book when it comes to casting, and everyone does it differently. And smile. You just did an incredibly brave, risk-filled thing! You just stood up in front of total strangers and heaved your heart and your guts onto the floor. It's over! Be glad! Have a little celebration of relief and joy on the inside. But a smile can be infectious. If you love what you do, even if you didn't "nail it" - your love of your craft will show. And in the theatre, a love of craft can be your most potent weapon. Other theatre artists want to work with people who love their craft. Theatre is, and always will be, a love fest. So love yourself, love your work, and be ready to do it all again tomorrow.
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The top ten signs of Olympic Obsession...

I have spent most of my waking hours (and some of my sleeping ones) watching the Vancouver Olympics. Now I know that the Olympics are the most watched programs on television right now, second only to Tiger Woods and his all-too-polished apologies ... but ... I don't think most people are *truly* obsessed. They watch because it's the only thing on TV.

But luckily for you, I've come up with the 10 tell-tale signs to tell whether you're obsessed or not. (I can't just let anyone go around proclaiming their obsession ... where's the specialness of that?!)

Please note - none of these items apply to Canadians. If you're a Canadian, and you're not obsessed with the Olympics ...

I don't even want to finish that statement. (Except for you, Fee!)

The Top Ten Signs of Olympic Obsession


10. You text the results of the events you're watching.

9. You're willing to watch a "sport" you detest, like Ice Dancing, when there's no other Olympic coverage on either NBC, MSNBC, USA Network, or CNBC. *I hang my head in shame.*

8. You voluntarily watch x-country skiing. All 1 hour and 15 minutes of it.

7. You refer to the Great British curling teams as "Scotland" - because that's where all the GB curlers are from. (duh)

6. You are sadistically fascinated with raving loony sports like the Skeleton and Ski Jumping.

5. You watch any coverage of Stephen Colbert wearing a mountie uniform you can find. Especially if he's talking to Bob Costas.

4. If your response to Russia losing in either figure skating, hockey or curling is, "Die, Ruskie, Die!"*

3. You not only watch curling, but you actually have an idea of what's going on, either because you've read up on it at sites like this, or because you've watched so much of it, you've figured most of it out.

2. You desperately wish there was radio coverage of the Olympics for when you're in the car, cursedly far from a television.

1. You've ever had fantasies of kidnapping Bob Costas, just so you could take his job.

#4 is brought to you by my dad, who is definitely obsessed. 


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This blog post is brought to you by:

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2009's Top 10 Best and Worst...whatever

I thought maybe I'd try making a list of the past year's 10 Best...and Worst...things...from my point of view. I don't have a focus to this list (obviously), because chaos can be fun too, damn it! Let's see how this goes, eh?

What I've done is googled the heck out of the Top+10+2009, and compiled the items that make *my* elite list, below. Am I poser for googling other lists, stealing from them, and making them fit into my mold??

No. I just can't remember anything prior to September.

Oh okay, fine! I'll cite my sources, how's that???

[googled, googling...Google is going to beat the F-bomb for most variances of grammatic usage]

Sources: Wired Magazine, AOL Radio Blog, People Magazine, Time Magazine, my own swiss cheese brain (hey, I have *some* originality...)

Ten BEST!

10. Pixar's Up - changes the way animated movies are seen ... and told.

9. Sarah Palin resigns as Governor of Alaska (I know *I'd* be happy if I were Alaskan)*

8. Bernie Madoff gets caught - and puts financial corruption front and center in a (hopefully) lasting way.

7. Spain has a measure proposing the banning of bullfighting. Bullfighting makes me think of Ferdinand the Bull. Save the Ferdinands!

6. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil wins the Olympic bid for 2016 - the first Olympics (ever!) to be held in South America! It's about time!

5. The Kings of Leon - bringing radio waves substance, musicality, and American charm. FINALLY, the US has a musical export to be proud of...again. [I know they've been around for a few years now, but the radio didn't really play them until Only By the Night was released...and thank GOODNESS.]

4. The City of Houston - elects a lesbian mayor. Surely this has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse??? Until then, I think it's a highly positive thing.

3. Microsoft 7 - What Vista should have been, but BETTER.

2. Copenhagen Climate Conference - it's about bloody time.**

1. Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States - if nothing else (I'm still waiting on actions regarding DOMA, Don't Ask/Don't Tell, Healthcare reform, and the closure of Gitmo...), it's hugely historic.

Ten WORST

1. MEGAN FOX. I don't feel as though I need to explain this one.

2. KANYE WEST - The dis on Taylor Swift. Lame, Kanye. Super lame.

3. MISS CALIFORNIA. Remember that brilliant soundbite? (although I think I'm more offended that she referred to straight marriage as "opposite" marriage. Make blondes look better, damnit!)

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage, and you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

*gags*

4. The Media Monster and the feeding of the machine. I see more stories about reality celebrities that I don't know, or have never heard of, than I do about anything of substance. I saw a Headline on Yahoo! that read, "How did Tiger's scandal get so out of control?" YOU, you vapid ignorers of privacy and promoters of trash!

5. The return of Madonna's wardrobe from the 80's. Stiletto boots with tights and laced headbands did NOT need to come back. Nor did hot-pink cheetah print spandex. (Eff you, Wet Seal!)

6. Christian Bale - beats up his mother and his sister, and then loses his shit with an electrician on the set of Terminator. Dude needs to stop the drugs and enter some anger management therapy....in India....with the Dali Llama.

7. Paranoid Conservatives - who insist Barack Obama wasn't born in this country. Two words: BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Get over it, already!

8. The White House Party Crashers...it's a microscopic, yet widely-reaching example of what's wrong with our American cult of celebrity. I also include the ridiculousness of the White House security detail in this item.

9. Sarah Palin resigns as Governor of Alaska - and is somehow allowed to get away without saying WHY.*

10. Copenhagen Climate Conference - EPIC FAIL.**

* part of me is ashamed that Sarah Palin is on both of my lists. Especially because I *firmly* believe that she should never be resurrected from the murky depths of media hell...ever again. So I apologize.

** Great idea, shit-poor execution. It's times like this when I wish Robespierre would rise from the grave, and smite the bourgeois, ineffective leaders of today. Robespierre would OWN them.

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10 followers! Woohoo!

Having finished my last post, I discovered that I have 10 followers. WOOHOO! You have no idea how exciting this is to me. When I started this blog, I thought I'd be lucky if my followers amounted to my girlfriend, a few close friends, and maybe some really really bored acquaintances. I mean, that's pretty much who reads this now, but I didn't think there would be so many as 10! And this, my friends, is no mark against you ... I just often doubt my ability to be interesting on a frequent basis. (Ahhh...the joys of being a professional clown!)

This, surely, requires a celebration! So ... in honor of my 10 followers (you know who you are ... and who the others are too...they're listed on the right hand side...), here are 10 things that have made me happy in the last week (especially since my last post was a little...depressing). Hopefully there's at least one thing for each of you ...

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU

"Wanna tank and spank?"

2. say it with me: "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"




3. One of the reasons I love the Japanese:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUbFX6KendY

4. Icanhazcheeseburger.com:



5. Olympic Hockey!

6. Anne of Green Gables [See: Colleen Dewhurst]

7. Farmville!

8. Randomly awesome graphs!

9. Brie!


and finally...

10. The Golden Girls! "Thank you for being a friend!"



Honorable mentions:

Cheers
South Park
The Food Network
Almonds
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Top 10 worst things about being an adult...

Let me just start this post off with saying I've spent the past 3.5 hours scouring the internet for jobs. My goal is to apply to 10. I've only found three which I am remotely qualified for [You know it's a bad sign when job postings require you to have a master's degree in rhetoric.]

So with that in mind ... I give you:

The 10 Worst Things About Being an Adult

1) Work. (Or the lack thereof) Sure, we have all this incredible social freedom, but what's it worth without an income? And while we can pick our chosen profession, this does not guarantee us a livelihood. In fact, as a child, adults are always saying that you can be whatever you want - but it's not true! They don't tell you about the ridicule, shaming questions, or abject disappointment when you tell them, 15 years later, that you want to be an artist, or a mechanic, or a game master. They don't tell you that "anything you want!" comes with conditions. Along with work comes the expectation of being a contributing member to society; but how can you contribute to the society, if the society doesn't want to hire you because you're either too qualified, or not qualified enough, or aren't the right nationality. [Bitter, party of one, still waiting to be seated.] Oh ... and whatever it is we choose to work at inevitably dictates the course of our lives, on a daily basis. Damn the man! I say we go back to a barter and trade system. I've got some corn and pelts, who has livestock? See? perfect.

2) Bills. We have to pay bills for all of those credit/financing/lifestyle choices we make. For example, the laptop I am using to write this post, I am getting closer to owning ... I have about $400.00 left to go. And I'm still paying off parts of college, and early post-college vagabond life. And you cannot be successful with this item if you don't have #1. Sleep, eat, work, pay bills, repeat. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

3) Responsibility. Generally needed to succeed in both #1 and #2. And what are we supposed to take responsibility for as adults? EVERYTHING. Your life, work, bills, pets, being places on time, fulfilling promises, replacing broken items in stores, following rules, social engagements, marriage, divorce, cleaning routines, diet/exercise, appearance, children, taking care of self/others ... see? you feel tired and worn down already, don't you? And we're only on item #3. As a side-note, I probably should have put children higher on the list, like, even before pets. But seeing as how I don't have any, they'll stay where they are.

4) Consequences ... to EVERYTHING. What happens if you don't have a job? You have no money, which means you can't pay your bills which means your credit rating plunges into the toilet, and in an act of taking responsibility for all of this, you declare bankruptcy, and give yourself a seven year sentence to not being able to have any kind of equity whatsoever, making you, in essence, a vagrant, non-contributing member of society. Is any of it your fault? Probably not. Do you still have to pay for it? Absolutely. Consequences in the adult world are somewhat akin to pagan blood sacrifices in the days of yore; if your number is called, you're the poor sap that has to pay. Except that now, we like to draw consequences out into a tortuous length of time. Sudden death? No, no, no. Now we make you keep paying for the rest of your long, increasingly natural life. And I ask you, which is worse? Should I ask the poor sods sitting in a state penitentiary, who did nothing more than sell a few grams of weed?

5) Politics. Gone are the halcyon days of childhood, when everything came down to a question of what is "fair." Gone is the dictum of living by the Golden Rule, not just for yourself, but where the actions of others are concerned. Gone is the illusion that truth is the highest accomplishment to be achieved, and if you mess up, it's okay, so long as you're honest! The virtues so carefully instilled during formative years are smashed like sugar glass bottles breaking over stunt men's heads. Now there's jockeying, and ladder climbing, and corporate suicide, and federal indictments, and leaders who lie to cover up their own asses. We were told not to pay attention to the man behind the curtain, until suddenly (and without warning), he reveals himself, and you realize that the man is actually the monster that you thought was hiding in your closet, or under your bed, only worse, because now that monster is making decisions and judgments about your life that you didn't authorize.

6) Your body throws a coup d'état, and doesn't invite you. Creaky bones, insomnia, food digestion issues, memory lapses, inexplicable achy-ness; and that's only in your late 20's! Suddenly, the taste of your own mortality ingests itself into your awareness, and you hear yourself say, "I'm getting old." What?! No! Inconceivable! Is it the end of the world?! No. Is it a call for you to stop staying out until 4:00 a.m. on a regular basis? Absolutely. Is it a warning that you better start reading gender-based health magazines (see: Men's Health or Self Magazine), or at the very least, cut down on the amount of nutritionless garbage you deposit into your system? BINGO. This is the first physical sign of "adulthood" - one of those points in time when you're mind and body fuse together. In other words, welcome to adulthood, baby! You are invincible no more.

7) Self-control. Or perhaps I should say the illusion of self-control. When we're little, we don't have to have self-control; we are certainly trained to have it, but if we have the occasional tantrum, it's no big deal - in fact sometimes, it's even allowed; too tired, hungry, or upset ... let everything out, cry yourself to sleep, wake up in a couple of hours, right as rain. As adults, we are not supposed to lose control. Losing control is not only frowned upon, but in some places, they'll admit you to the psychiatric wing of a hospital. And the reality is that we still have tantrums ... we're just supposed to smother them into submission. How much healthier would we be if we could just throw the occasional tantrum, and got over the proverbial it? Because, if we submit to any loss of control, that might make things like mental health days relevant and accepted. And would we even need the term, "Going postal?"

8) The expectation of what an adult is and how they should act, is ironically, a terrible imposition. There are certain basic, primal functions, like the ability to acquire food, the ability to procreate, the ability to find to shelter against adverse weather. There are tougher requirements, like the ability to reason with logic, to be practical with important things like money and one's store of grain. Then there are blurry, cultural and emotional must-have's in our arsenal, such as etiquette and manners, humility, graciousness, the discussions of sober and serious things, like poverty, or relationships, or global-warming. The reality, however, is that when we're by ourselves, we are not so serious or sober ... some of us play video games, some of us are obsessed with Harry Potter, some of us sports fanatics, or collect bizarre things like miniatures. The point is, when we're out at something neutral, i.e. not with our close friends, like a corporate party, or an acquaintances' luncheon, we don't start talking about our wicked World of Warcraft crit rating, or the awesome hit in last night's hockey game, or the fact that you own an authentic re-creation of a Lord of the Rings sword (Anduril) at the age of 32. We don't divulge the best/most interesting parts of ourselves, for the same reason we learned not to in Middle School: social suicide. And to me, that's just sad.

9) This one goes along with #8, but I think it's slightly different - and that's the illusion of self-reliance ... which, to some degree, I think it's also an expectation - albeit a very specific one. As adults, we're supposed to be self-sufficient, not need anything, or anyone - and if we do, we have to get it for ourselves ... or are expected to get it for ourselves, and if we don't, then we somehow fail. which leads me to...

10) Asking for help. But part of what becoming an adult entails, is knowing when to ask for help, and this is perhaps one of the hardest lessons to learn, especially when #8 and #9 play such a huge role. It is a lesson in over-coming pride and one's own expectations of one's self, breaking down years of other people telling you what to do, how to behave, and instilled expectations. The hard part is letting go and discovering what you need. And there's no shame in asking other people for help. Providing you are prepared to help others when they come knocking. Because would you be an adult without responsibility?
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Casey Kasem has nothin' on me ...

My BFF Phoenix posted a two-part blog series about the top 10 Worst and Best aspects of being a woman. This was a brave endeavor, for no other reason than the making of a top 10 anything takes lots of brain power. Careful deliberation must paid to every single item and its placement. And what if you forget something? Do you scrap what you have and start again? Do you substitute the new item in for a less worthy one? Why was there a less worthy one in the first place? Were the right items picked in the first place? Does this make any sense?

See? That's a lot of effort for one measly little list!

But sometimes, finding 10 of anything is just ridiculously hard. I'll prove my point. I am going to make a list about the 10 Best and Worst things about being an adult. Why? Well, why not. This blog is being created for the simple, and somewhat decadent fact that I had cheesecake for breakfast. And because of that ...

10 Best Things about being an Adult:

1. Getting to eat anything you want for breakfast. Ice cream, brownies, cold pizza, left-over pasta, various forms of alcohol, and yes ... cheesecake. It's your life, don't you forget ...

2. "I get by with a little help from my friends..." I think the best thing, in *my* adult experience has been the pride and continued joy over my ability to pick awesome friends. Especially because I didn't have many friends when I was growing up ... not real friends. But now, as an adult, I have friends whom I can call at 3:00 a.m. if I need them, I have friends I can depend on, talk to, laugh and cry with ... and that's important. Particularly when you're rejected from jobs or grad school, end a relationship, lose a family member, or simply need to be reminded of your own greatness.

3. Excuses. I'm being serious. One of the best weapons in an adult's arsenal. Gone are the days when you were rudely carted here and there without so much as, "By your leave." Work, kids, no time, classes, lack of sleep, family ... now you can use one to excuse yourself from another. Don't want to go to Aunt Bessie's Tupperware party? You have work, and/or can't find a babysitter for the kids. Don't want to go to work? Your Aunt Bessie is in the hospital, of course, you're losing sleep with the worry, to the point of feeling ill yourself! As an adult, not only can you get away with it, but it works! It's like a secret code; that weird thing that your mom would do, but you could never quite catch her in a bald-faced lie. After all, you weren't the keeper of the master schedule. It may not be admirable ... but we all do it.

4. There is a certain thrill in adulthood that comes with doing mundane, and otherwise burdensome chores. Have to clean the bathroom? No problem. Laundry? Consider it done. Dishes? pwned! And WHY is this?? Because there's a magic barrier that's crossed once one finally lives on their own ... once one is the king/queen of one's own castle, chores cease being chores, and become part of a routine; sure, maybe not a *strict* routine, but routine nonetheless. When we were in the process of doing these "routines" for our parents, under the oppression of childhood labor, we called them chores. But now, the sense of productivity and accomplishment is astounding. You could sit around and do nothing but laundry all day, and still feel accomplished! This is what I call progress.

5. The end of censorship! At least on an individual level; I'm not currently able to take on the MPAA/media machines all on my own, at this time. I do assure you, I'm working on it. BUT! Now, I can go out and re-purchase that Dr. Dre album I bought when I was 11, that my dad made me bicycle back to The Wherehouse and exchange, largely because of the parental advisory label on the front. Okay, no, he didn't "make me" ... but he "strongly advised it." So of course, that's what I did. The irony is that I *wouldn't* buy a Dr. Dre album today. No offense to Mr. Dr. Dre, it's just not my thing.

6. Say it with me: NO. MORE. PERMISSION. SLIPS. EVER! I'm sorry, but even as a child, I had a huge problem with needing my parents' permission for things like museum trips or historical societies. I'm the one going, I should have my own say! Who cares if I couldn't drive or get myself to the hospital if hurt. Now? I come, I go, I visit, I pay admittance ... I drive, I pay for gas, and lunch. Please bear in mind that I was a silently independent child ... I did what I was told, but secretly hated it. I am an Aries, after all.

7. The mighty power of Ownership. There's nothing like the feeling when you make your first LARGE purchase ... we have small tastes of this in high school or college, when you save a few hundred dollars to buy that one thing, or maybe you were a highly advanced teenager, and purchased your first (used) car on your own. But I mean LARGE purchases ... purchases over the tune of $5,000 ... I'm talking your first new car, your first house/condo, your first state-of-the-art computer ... Ahhhhh ... the power of financing, the pride, the validation! Who cares that our economy is in the toilet ... buy, buy, buy! Why? Because you can; you have credit!

8. Independent money source/storage. Sure, you may not have a lot of it, but it's still yours; no more asking mom or dad to withdraw money for you, or telling you what to do with it. (This item does typically hinge on the small detail of being gainfully employed, but like I said, small detail.)

9. The continuing growth and refinement of our taste buds. You think I kid? I do not! When I turned 20, I had a sudden craving for coffee, and voila! I loved coffee! Two months after my 21st birthday, insta-need for beer. Shazam! I heart beer! If I didn't have the massive affinity for coffee and beer that I currently have, who KNOWS what I would use to fill the void; cigarettes, mallow bars, everclear ... cocaine? Who knows. And then there's the gourmet foods - avocado, spinach, quiches, prosciutto, lox, brie? What would the world be without good food?? Kraft can only get you so far in life! Yeah, I'm looking at you, Clifton ....

10. Free use of the stove top. Do you remember back to when you couldn't operate the stove, via the means of parental decree? And I could cook (rudimentary) by the time I was 9. Now, lemon chicken, pan-seared steak, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables. Don't like Aunt Rose's meat aspic? Make something yourself, and tell her you're allergic to gelatin. The stove is my minion! You know, unless I'm eating the cheesecake that my sister made ... for breakfast...

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This blog is brought to you by:

Tully's coffee
Zlacket's Deli and Market
My sister's cheesecake
Res ipsa loquitur
Casey Kasem

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